How to cultivate the ‘erotic thread' that helps you stay connected to your romantic partner

I hear a lot about dry spells and sexless relationships from my clients as a couples therapist. But when I dig a little deeper, it’s not always the sex act that these couples are seeking. More than anything, they want to be desired. Even when a couple are having regular sex — say, once a week — what they’re often lacking is a sense of sexiness in the relationship. They’re missing what I call the ’erotic thread’ — the connective tissue between those weekly sexual events, where our sexual selves can pivot in and out of an erotic moment. That moment could be a squeeze, tease, grab or grope, a press into or a pull toward (all consensual). It’s a sense of healthy objectification: looking at your partner like a delicious meal you want to consume and, on the other side, feeling your partner’s hunger. These flirtatious moments are sexual sparks, not invitations to have sex right now. ‘A sexual spark often encompasses both physical and emotional elements that create a sense of excitement, attraction, and connection between partners,’ said a licensed psychologist. ‘It can manifest in a number of ways depending on the individuals involved, such as flirting, touch, eye contact, passionate kissing or being spontaneous.’ In fact, research suggests that these moments of feeling desired are key to many people’s sexual fantasies. A survey found that a high percentage of women and men had fantasized about feeling desired before. Most women and men said this was something they fantasized about often. ‘People’s fantasies about feeling desired are about much more than just knowing that your partner finds you to be attractive and desirable — they’re about you being irresistible and your partner having this hunger for you,’ said a researcher. ‘That brings a sense of urgency, passion and connection that heightens the sexual intensity.’ Perhaps surprisingly, sexual sparks don’t always just happen — especially if you’ve been with your partner for a while. ‘Early on in relationships, we tend to do much better with staying connected on a sexual level, and that is because there are fewer shared spheres of identity,’ said a sex therapist. ‘The longer a couple stays together, the more we experience identity overlap,’ the therapist explained. ‘We aren’t just lovers and friends — we are entangled financially, as roommates, and many other aspects of the self that are not sexy. Many of us don’t even realize we are ignoring our sexual self because it just doesn’t seem to exist anymore.’ That’s not the only factor that can prevent us from cultivating that erotic thread. ‘Anxiety and stress, resentment and unresolved conflict, predictability, discomfort with language and sexual talk, fear of being rejected, lack of experience — and even distractions like social media can get in the way,’ said a psychologist. So, how do you reignite sexual sparks? Here’s what experts advise. Take the pressure off. Focusing on the act of sex — or its frequency — can put pressure on you or your partner, often resulting in the opposite of what you want: anxiety, stress and avoidance. ‘I often encourage couples to focus on nurturing the erotic between them instead,’ said a psychologist. ‘Don’t assume. In heterosexual relationships, men tend to be more easily able to experience spontaneous desire and may be more likely to initiate these erotic charges, the therapist said. But that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t find him desirable, or that men don’t want to feel desired. ‘Many women experience sexual attraction when they feel emotionally connected to their partner or in response to erotic stimuli,’ said a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. ‘Men want to be desired, too,’ the therapist said. ‘We’re socialized to think that the woman is the ‘sexual object’ and the man is the one who demonstrates desire and ‘does the pursuing.’ But when working with heterosexual couples in my practice, I find that the female partner is often surprised to learn how much their male partner wants to feel desired, pursued, and even sexually objectified.’ Set it to simmer. There are countless ways to keep the spark of desire alive between sexual encounters. ‘Hello and goodbye rituals are very important for couples. ‘An important aspect of this is discarding the notion of not starting something unless you can finish it,’ a therapist said. ‘Flirtation is an important and fun way of keeping the erotic spark alive. Touch is also crucial to maintaining connection, and eye contact is the most intimate way we can do so.’ Objectify each other — with consent. Feeling desired, ravished or like a sexual object can be validating, but many people, particularly men, need their partner to consent to it first. ‘A healthy relationship is one that provides the freedom to objectify our partner in order to enjoy a richer sexual relationship,’ said a sex therapist. ‘You can give this permission in a number of ways, from naming it — ‘I want you’ — to talking dirty to speaking directly about consent.’ Keep your partner’s own desires top of mind. ‘If you are trying to maintain an erotic thread by doing something you know your partner doesn’t like, it’s not going to work,’ a therapist said. Keep communication open. Not sure where to begin? Start with a conversation. ‘It might feel daunting to start making gestures intended to maintain an erotic thread in your relationship. Let your partner know what you’re doing. You can say, ‘I want to increase our sexual connection between the times when we have sex,’ or ‘I want to try doing things that help us to remember we are in a sexual relationship.’ This can and should be playful.’ Remember, the erotic thread — and sex itself — is the glue that helps hold good relationships together. ‘When a couple has been sexual, the next morning they are typically happier and find life holds more meaning,’ a therapist said. ‘Share those feelings with each other so you hold onto that connection and ‘simmer’ until the next time you have sex.’